Wishful Thinking
Tonite is one of those nights where I feel a bit confused. It was a great fun weekend yet I feel a bit of dissatisfaction. Maybe it’s b/c I am getting used to people that hate their jobs and look forward to weekends as the only way to feel alive, the only way to feel the self from the daily drudgery they chose. I feel as if I have no choice b/c the only (current) social channel is them; those that are robotic, bitter, cynical, and self-loathing by week, and so animated and happy by weekend. I feel like I’m going back to this lifestyle of my early 20’s… not good. Falling back into the same lifestyle.
My sister is talking to me as I type this.. and she says that it’s actually me who’s the robotic one during the week and lively on the weekends. She says “look in, maybe it’s you.” God dammit. She’s right. It’s not these people, it’s me. The f*cking “self” causing my brain to fire all these unhealthy thoughts. I guess I haven’t mastered the art of conscience. The mind is still stronger than the conscience. ;/
Maybe it’s because I haven’t hit my financial goals yet and I feel some kind of self-induced restriction that prevents me from enjoying myself fully and attaining this thoughtless consciouness. I feel this incredible sense of “anti-climactic” end to the weekends.
The most incredible thing I’ve heard from my sister was … “you are seeking this wise man.. but you’ll find out that this wise man is inside you.” Yes, the most thought provoking thing my sister has said in ages. I actually contemplated on that statement for days.. and I still think about it. For one, how was it possible that such wise words came out of her mouth and two, how deep is that statement?
In the book Power of Now, the author writes about how those seeking light (i.e. the “enlightened one”) actually have light themselves. That’s how they can tell that they’re seeing light. Light can only be recognized by light, never by darkness. So this book implies that I have light.. and I’ve been searching it even though it was in me all along. I guess i should’ve know that when spiritual leaders kept saying that the happiness is within; that it is a choice and a lifestyle, not some destination.
I feel a sense of dissatisfaction and is making me very jumpy. Even just now (after the previous paragraph), my mom came in just to chit chat and I turned it into a full blown argument for no reason. good lord. My mind is one dangerous weapon.. firing for no apparent reason and at supposed enemies that are my loved ones. Sometimes I wish I can drill my brain and remove the lizard brain.
If you are reading this (which is 1 in 10 billion chance), mom, I am sorry. I say that I am sorry so many times but this time, i am truly truly sorry.
God, if you are reading this, I need some help. Send me some help please. Please.
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